It was a sun-drenched May morning at Synergy Farm, the air tasted of salt and adventure, and the gorse on the cliffside smelled like warm coconut. Julian sat at the sturdy oak kitchen table. He was staring intently at a very thick folder labeled KIRRIN TECH: SEED ROUND.
I say, Julian, Dick remarked, wandering in You’ve been at those papers since breakfast. Have you found another cyber threat from the Meta-Cave data smugglers? Julian looked up, eyes bright with excitement. No, better than that, Dick. I’m preparing a pitch deck. We’re going to the City to meet some important men in pinstriped suits sitting behind big desks in rooms with lots of glass. We’re raising a Seed Round!
Georgie looked up sharply. Seed round? If that means planting cabbages, you can count me out. No, no, Georgie, Julian laughed, though he made sure to keep a respectful tone. A Seed Round is when startups need capital to grow. We’ve built our prototype using the thousands of lines of code that Dick has written that nobody else understands, but we’re doing it on our pocket money. It’s time we scaled up.
Anne looked worried. Does scaling up mean more danger? I hear other people’s money changes everything. I don’t want that.Dick looked at Anne. That’s very perceptive. Claude tells me 49% of founders get booted out by investors in the first year post funding as they don’t deliver on their promises.
Hang on! Julian stood up, his voice booming with the confidence of an over-confident inexperienced Founder CEO. Now sit down. I want to run through the pitch deck. I’ve called it Kirrin Tech: the Next Frontier. Mollie gave a loud, approving Woof! and settled down at Julian’s feet. The others gathered around, sensing something very big indeed was about to happen.
Julian cleared his throat and made eye contact with everyone simultaneously, no mean feat with four co-founders. I say, have you ever noticed how dreadfully inefficient the world of AI data platforms is? One spends half one’s time in haylofts or in damp cellars looking for stolen data. It’s all very well for a summer holiday, but as a business model, it simply won’t do! Julian introduced his introduction confidently as if he knew what he was talking about.
There are more suspicious characters in raincoats than ever before, and our personal health data is being sold to rogue organisations like Incognito. Yet, the tools we use to thwart these rascals remain stuck in the dark ages. Guardrails are flimsy. It is time for a disruption. It is time for Kirrin Tech. Confident he had the room, he continued. His slide read:
The Problem
Every year, thousands of crates of data are moved illegally. The authorities are, quite frankly, slow on the uptake and too concerned with bin collections. They don’t have the funding to deliver a C21st data security strategy and instead rely on ham and egg sandwiches.
Julian checked his notes, seemingly confused himself by his last comment. Anne blushed, she thought this was a dig at her picnic menus. Note to self: pivot to ham and tomato; reduce ham and egg.
Julian resumed his oratory. Data security is a fragmented market. It relies on the BBC and the Daily Mail to bring attention to what’s going on. There is a massive, untapped demand for a high-integrity, enterprise standard subscription service.
Shuffling his notes he whispered, next slide please, to himself.
Our Solution: The Kirrin Integrated Data System (KIDS)
We are a super-innovative full-stack solution with our unique KIDS framework:
- Know. Suspicious-looking men are identified using our proprietary facial recognition tech, Mollie-Vision.
- Identify. Our algorithms detect naughty behaviour. by sentiment analysis, identifying those up to no good with other people’s data
- Device. Our hardware acts as a stalwart guardian, protecting every scrap of data from its birth until retirement from prying eyes. It also fits inside a standard picnic hamper.
- Solution. We neutralise threats using a combination of strategic distraction and sheer, unadulterated pluck that only the Famous Five Founders offer.
Dick was smiling broadly, enjoying Julian’s pitching style and confidence. He made a note to suggest World Class and No one else can do what we do to the narrative. Let me continue, continued Julian.
The Product
KIDS is an AI platform for the post-reality economy. We haven’t the foggiest notion of its inner workings, but the algorithm is masterfully confident. It’s future proof too, hosted on a Blockchain for problems we haven’t come across yet – it’s a solution looking for a problem, wrapped in a digital wrapper.
Dick has created a closed-loop ecosystem. Stickiness is our primary metric for a radically scalable solution. We’re going big by focusing on things that are incredibly small.
The Market Opportunity
Everyone is a customer, but we are targeting the English heritage market, leveraging our first-mover advantage in a market that doesn’t even exist yet, an underserved niche where there’s lots of old money:
- National Trust and Stately Home data: Our service will protect data held regarding tapestries and antique collections.
- Coastal Defence: We monitor unauthorised motorboat activity involving clandestine offshoring of data.
- Data Recovery: We aim to return stolen data back to the owners with a 98% success rate.
I can confidently say The Total Addressable Market for what we call ‘Data That Goes Bump in the Night’ is £500m per annum. Our reach is infinite, according to this chart I drew this morning. By capturing 5% of this, we deliver a 200% ROI in five years.
Julian was into his stride, pacing up and down. Let me tell you about us, the Famous Five Founders.
The Team
We are Thought Leaders in the field of thinking about leading the market:
- Julian (CEO): I provide leadership, and overarching strategy. I am good at making decisions when everyone else is feeling a bit wobbly.
- Georgie (CPO): Georgie is twice as smart as any boy. She personally owns the IP.
- Dick (CTO): Dick writes thousands of lines of code which no one understands but to balance this he provides the comic relief during high-stakes product demos.
- Anne (CFO & Head of Sustainability): Anne keeps the finances ship shape. She ensures that our demos are carbon neutral.
- Mollie (Chief Security Officer): our product is based on her olfactory threat detection system, more accurate than any silicon-based sensor.
Julian moved on:
Financials: TBC
- We are pre-revenue, but post-meaning. We haven’t got a customer yet, but our brand identity is moving so fast that the internet can’t keep up with us.
- Monetisation is a legacy concept, we are building ‘clout equity’ to deliver a high follower-to-following ratio in a community model for pilot testing to find our tribe. We are not burdened by the trivial concept of making money at this stage, it’s not on our critical path.
- In six months time I expect us to be hockey-stick pre-revenue unicorn with a valuation based on good vibes. Our Series A will be backed by amazing revenue forecasts and Demis Hassabis.
- Our pricing strategy is based on democratising paying for things that used to be free. We are turning privacy into a tiered subscription model, ensuring a curated, compellingly complex solution.
Traction: None
We have a proven track record of being in stealth mode:
- We use complicated encryption and 2FA. With our unique AI-driven dashboard, we ensure that every data breach is thwarted before it happens, whether the data is lost in the cloud or in subterranean cabinets.
- Case Study A: Alex Carp and Incognito. We successfully disrupted a data smuggling ring, recovered the stolen data and secured the incarceration of several nasty pieces of work.
- Case Study B: This is about the philosophy of human connectivity, but we can’t tell you about this due to issues of National Security.
Use of Funds
We are seeking £100,000 for 10% equity in Kirrin Tech. This capital will be deployed as:
- 40% – R&D: Developing a more durable, waterproof device covering and some undefined product stuff.
- 10% – Talent Acquisition: We need to hire a team.
- 40% – Infrastructure: upgrading Synergy Farm as HQ with 10,000sq ft that provides capacity for 350 people per our two year growth plan.
- 10% – Marketing: A series of posters in every railway station in the country with the slogan: Lost your data? Get Kirrin Tech today – promoting word of mouth.
The Exit Strategy
Our goal is merger with Anthropic in two years. Alternatively, see a highly successful IPO (Initial Picnic Offering).
There was a long silence. I say, Dick said finally, his voice full of awe. That sounds top-notch. Do you think they’ll give us a hundred thousand pounds? I think it’s very brave, Anne said, though she looked a bit pale. If we have an HQ, does that mean we’ll have to wear uniforms? I’d much rather stay in my shorts.
We’ll have the best tech-bro hoodies, Julian said, eyes gleaming, with pockets for torches and pen-knives. Now, we must pack. We’re taking the 10.00am train tomorrow. Anne, make sure the sandwiches are ready. We can’t pitch on empty stomachs.
The next day was a whirlwind. The Famous Five Founders were in a building in the City, with big glass windows. It was a long way from the heather-covered cliffs of Kirrin Cove. The investors were three men with sharp haircuts, sharp suits and sharp expressions. It didn’t look like they shaved yet. They were men who’d never run a fish and chip shop but reckoned they knew everything about assessing a business.
Julian stood at the head of the long glass table. He didn’t have a projector, so he used a series of hand-drawn diagrams on large sheets of cardboard. Chaps Julian began, his voice steady. We have the product, the IP, the team, and we have the dog. At the mention of her name, Mollie trotted forward and placed her chin on the knee of the lead investor, a man named Belfort. He looked down, his cold eyes meeting Mollie’s warm, brown ones. Mollie nuzzled her wet nose into his inner thigh.
The investors looked at the chart. Mr. Kirrin, Belfort said. Your overheads are astronomical. Your margins are weak. You’re spending four times the industry average on R&D. We know what we’re doing sir, trust us Julian replied without blinking. The investors whispered among themselves. They studied the case study. We like the sector and your target market, the second investor said. We move fast and break things, responded Julian.
Belfort leaned back. It’s a risky play. Incognito has secured Government contracts. We are resilient for such a young team, Julian was quick to respond again. The tension in the room was thick enough to cut with a bread knife. Then, slowly, a smile spread across Belfort’s face. A small smile, but it was there. I like your pluck, and I like the dog. He turned to his colleagues. I’m in. Done! Julian cried, and they shook hands.
The Famous Five Founders floated out of the building. They were no longer just the Famous Five Founders; they were Famous Five Founders with funding. Golly! Dick yelled as they reached the street. We’re rich! Let’s go to the nearest tea-shop and order everything on the menu! We’ll have meringues, and sandwiches with crusts cut off! Steady on! Julian said, grinning from ear to ear. We have to be responsible with our capital. We’ll have one éclair each. And then we’re going home to crack on.
They had a mission. They had a roadmap. And most importantly, they had other peoples’ cash to spend. Back at Synergy Farm, Julian tossed his cap onto the peg. They loved it! We’re going to change the world. To Series A! Julian toasted, raising his glass, with the sort of reckless bravado that usually leads to a rather tragicomic lurching skid on thin ice.
He had every hope that his pluck, natural spirit and good looks could triumph over the unfair advantages of mere money, though deep down, he feared his grand expectations might tumble from the dizzying heights of glory and thud quite miserably upon the hard pavement of underachievement.
Notes from the Famous Five Founders’ Playbook:
Pitch decks are an opportunity to flaunt your buzzword bingo vocabulary which the Famous Five Founders took in spades. Here are some observations from the above parody, reflecting on common red flags I’ve seen:
- Too much ‘tech speak’ but that’s an oxymoron as there is no detail. EVERYONE is on the ‘’AI-powered blockchain data synergy platform’ bandwagon. Talk about your product in terms of the value it delivers to customers, not tech as a form of abstract art.
- Drill down on showing you understand the dynamics, structure and needs of your TAM and be clear on the ICP demographic for your startup.
- At such an early stage of development, spending twenty minutes explaining the philosophy of human connectivity and not showing a demo of what you’ve built was a huge lost opportunity.
- Investors invest in people, their idea, a valid opportunity and the product in that order. Ensure the depth, detail and emphasis of you deck has this orientation.
- There are several (deliberate) attempts at humour. Humour creates connectivity and evidences confidence, but be careful – repeatedly saying Dick writes thousands of lines of code which no one understands just doesn’t land well.
- There are also several fundamental gaps in the content which will simply turn potential investors off. Show your proposed deck to experienced founders and take on board their feedback.
- Finally, the classic premature exit slide. Acquisition by Anthropic. Have you spoken to them? No? Well, I’m sure they’re just waiting for you to hit 100 followers on X (formerly Twitter) before they send the cheque.
Disclaimer: This blog is a parody. Any resemblance to actual or fictional business leaders, living or dead, is entirely intentional but legally shielded by a layer of satire so thick you could build a nuclear bunker from it.